I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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