Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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