I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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