She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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