final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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