So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
