He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I think my vagina is haunted
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
