It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
