u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
