last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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