my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
