You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
