I molested 6 butterflies tonight
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
