I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
