Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
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