i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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