Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
