Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
