my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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