Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
