pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
operation have a gay friend backfired
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
