I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
