yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
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