dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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