Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
