Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
