Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
