I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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