I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
