so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
handjob tips. give me some.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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