i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Houston, we have a blender
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
