dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
