Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Operation Purity has been aborted
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
