So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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