just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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