just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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