I feel great
I just peed on a car
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
