lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
