I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
