I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
