It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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