dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
