I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
