Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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