both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I did not marry a roomba.
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