she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
