So drunk its hurt
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
