i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
