My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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