there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
