matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I want to have your abortion
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
