Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
