At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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